Drawing the line....

Well, this weekend has been somewhere between amazing and heartbreaking. Went to Whitby on Saturday with Ashi, Devlin and his friend Deacon and had a great day. Saw quite a few familiar faces and just generally enjoyed spending more time with Ashi and Devlin - I'm becoming increasingly aware of the fact that the time that I have with them is limited and that I need to make the most of every minute before I go. When we got back we went to the Fleece for the Halloween party there, and we told folks about us splitting up and me going - getting varying responses from the predicatable "I told you so" style comments to some real upset.

When we got home we stayed up all night talking - I love the fact that I can be so frank with Ashi about how I'm feeling, that no offense is caused and she understands me completely. She was able to talk to me more openly about how she's feeling than I think she has been able to. It's probably going to be the hardest thing I've ever done leaving....

The countdown.....

31 days til I fly........

Its been a weird few days since my first post. Ashi and I are getting on better than ever - which I suppose is pretty much due to the lack of pressure for it to work and the innevitability of the end. Our timing just sucks, I suppose - without all the background noise throughout the relationship I think we could have lasted the distance.

I'm going to miss her and Devlin terribly, but set up Skype accounts for them both to keep in touch, and got a headset/webcam for home. I've taken a couple of days off work this week as well to spend time with Dev while he's on school hols. Went to Stump Cross Caverns on Tuesday and had a great time - it felt like we were a family, and that was amazing.

Work is totally hectic at the moment - rushing through trying to complete outrstanding jobs before I go, but Roger has agreed that if I come back mid-Jan I can work for the Estate, which is fantastic news. It gives me a safety net to work with - if I decide to come back then I have some options. He's also very kindly offered the use of his house in Australia. Think I'm going to take him up on it....the idea of a BBQ on the beach on Christmas Day sounds like a once in a lifetime thing to do :-) Quite fancy New Year in Australia too, and I reckon driving between Brisbane airport and 1770 looks like a bit of a scenic tour along the East Coast. I don't really want to make many plans at all for the trip....i think for it to work as I want it to it needs to be as spontaneous as possible....but then there are a couple of things that I'd like to do that I'll aim for in the loosest sense of the word :-)

Need to get my Aussie Visa sorted out this week!

First post

Well, this is the first post in my blog relating to my journey of self discovery. After a fairly bizarre couple of years with some fairly unusual occurences I have decided to take a step back from my life and try to establish where, what and who I want to be.

Those who have come to an impasse should examine their
original intentions; those who have succeeded should note where
they are heading. ~Huanchu Daoren

To this end, last week I quit my job, bought a one way ticket to Hong Kong and am now counting down the 4 weeks and 5 days until I get on a plane from Gatwick.

How do I feel about this now....? Well, a little nervous, more than slightly anxious (I don't think I've ever done anything this spontaneous in my life) but overall i think this is the best possible route for me to take. In the last 6 months I've failed in relationships with the 2 most amazing women I have ever met in my life, and to be honest, I'm just really tired. This trip will give me the opportunity to look at my life from an external perspective and to examine my original intentions, hopefully leading me onto the path that will carry me through to the next chapter of my life.

The reason for this change - well, thats pretty simple. I fell in love with a really good friend who was in a relationship with one of my closest friends and my feelings towards her were (unbeknownst to me) reciprocated. She left her partner and we ended up seeing each other. Since that time we've had somewhere between the most amazing relationship and the most terrible. We've been going round in circles for the past 4 months, and eventually a couple of weeks ago decided to call it a day. Thats not to say we don't get on. We're still really close friends. Whatever happens in the future I will always be there for her, but our relationship is over - a closed chapter. I want her to be happy, whatever that entails - is there anything else that you could ask for someone who you love so much?

Well, my first blog entry reads like a Barbara Cartland novel and thats not the half of it - let's just say it's a heavily abridged version....but it gives background to the reasons for my leaving, and that, I suppose will be pretty important as this Blog continues. I'm not even sure who I will tell about this blog, whether people will stumble across it by accident, or whether it will be just for me, a record for the future of where I was emotionally, and geographically in 2006/2007