Monday. 10.56am

The week of my departure is finally here. It all feels very surreal - maybe thats just the excesses of the weekend of partying, but I suspect it's not. I get on a train to Gatwick Airport at 10.18am on Thursday morning, and from that point onwards, I think there will be a lot of changes. It's a little terrifying, as I know that my life will seem very different when I return. What that means in terms of job/life/relationships I don't know - and I am a little scared of finding out.



My send off party was this weekend. A slightly messy affair, but it was nice to have all the people I love around me - had some nice chats with Kate. All the hassle from before is behind us now and it feels good that I am leaving on the best terms with everyone.

Freedom....

Its been quite a few days since my last Blog entry, but bizarrely enough since finishing work i've been insanely busy. Wednesday was the first night in with Charli, and we ended up staying up drinking and chatting until 4am! That wouldn't have been so bad but for the fact she had a job interview in Leeds at 10.30 on Thursday morning and i was due on a train to London at 6.55am.... still, it was well worth it as we get on extremely well. I'm not stressed at all about coming back as I can imagine us being great friends and there not being any problems living together. Friday was my last day at work and it was chaos. Clearing my desk took up most of the day and I've agreed to go back in out-of-hours tonight to do some handover bits with Gail, the Office Manager. Went for a meal on Friday night with the team and had a great night, then went up to a party at a friends.

From Friday night through to Sunday it was pretty much non-stop partying. A few friends popped in on Saturday night, including Kate, Leon and Ashi, and a good night was had despite the slightly unusual atmosphere...I was encouraged again by Charli's chilled attitude to the drop-in-centre kind of way things happen at my house. A planned quiet night in with pizza's and videos to recover from the previous nights hangover ended in a full on party. If she can handle that then she'll certainly be able to deal with living in the madhouse :D

Getting my currency and travel insurance sorted out made a big difference. It's all happening now and there are only a few days until I go. It's all really exciting and terrifying. I keep thinking I must have forgotten things, but I dont think I have. Got currency, travel insurance, flight details for HK, passport, Australian ETA (Visa), had my jabs, cleared my credit cards, Accommodation in HK is sorted. I can't think what I have forgotten. Getting E111 sorted out today and also padlocks for rucksack. If anyone reads this and thinks of anything, please tell me....

Sleepless in Skipton....

Ashi's moved out now, apart from a few bits, and Charli moved in yesterday, so things are moving forward with some momentum. This week has been difficult at best though.

Last night I got caught up late with work so had to postpone the meal with Kate. I was really disappointed, especially as I did eventually get away in time to go for the meal, but she had arranged to eat with Leon at that point, so I went home and carried on working until Ashi texted me at 11.30 inviting me round for a cup of tea.

It's a little scary now, as it's Wednesday and I finish work on Friday......there still seems to be so much to do, and no time to do it. In London tomorrow morning so an early start to get on the 6.55 train....shouldn't be a problem though - I seem to be awake most of the night now anyway.

Quiet...

You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by
seeing an imperfect person perfectly ~ Sam Keen

Just got back home after spending the weekend moving Ashi and Devlin's stuff into their new house. I have to say that I'm optimistic for them both, as subtleties like furniture fitting perfectly into the available space is, in my experience, a good sign.

I can't help but feel sad even though I know that this is all for the best. That doesn't make me love her and Devlin any less, it just means I'm able to look at the whole situation with head and heart now. Ashi told me once that I made her feel like she belongs...and she made me feel the same way. Some friends may argue that she wasn't good for me, but I have to disagree. She gave me moments where I felt more loved than I ever have before. Waking up to find her looking at me like the most beautiful thing she had ever seen changed me instantly, and I think permanently. I have no regrets whatsoever about our relationship, despite the pain. There have been some of the most perfect moments in my life over the last few months, and they make it all worthwhile.

The house seems so quiet and empty. Going to have a very stiff drink and go to bed.

On the up...

Despite being diagnosed by the doctor as having a gastric ulcer yesterday, feeling loads better about life in general.

An argument with Kate has been playing on my mind for a couple of days now, and I can understand where she is coming from. There was no malice there. I sent her a text to apologise for flying off the handle in quite the way I had & might see if she wants to meet up for a drink tonight, although between my ulcer and her antibiotics i think it's likely to be a pint of water each :-) Not letting anything stressful get to me now.....it hurts too much (physically!) - got some tablets that help a lot though, and the stabbing pain is replaced by a dull ache most of the time, so with a little luck it isn't as bad as it was last time and I should be able to sample international cuisine in less than a month!

Charli is popping round today to look at her room, and I need to get a tenancy agreement sorted out with her, but think that's all going well. Ashi should be moved out by the beginning of next week, and if theres any stuff left that needs packing up theres no urgency as Charli and her get on really well, so they can sort that between them.

Moving forward.....

Feeling a little less stressed now. I think a good night's sleep helped. I went to bed at 10.30, and although I was awake again at 4.30 and didn't get back to sleep until after 6am I feel far more rested than I have in ages.

It also helps that I now have someone to live in the house while I'm away. She's a friend of a friend who i've known for a while but never really spoken to much, and the timing is perfect for her. She plans to move in on Monday, and from the chat we had last night I think we're going to get on really well. Saw some friends last night who just made me feel better about the whole situation as well - it's nice to know there are still people there and will still be there if I come back.

A little worried now about my stomach. I've been in pain now for the last 4 days, and it's been getting steadily worse. I suspect my ulcer is playing up again, but really hope thats not the case. Got a doctors appt this afternoon.

Booked in for a week in a guesthouse in Hong Kong.....extremely good rates, £131.00 - for 7 nights, only £18 per night!! if it's any good then I'll extend my stay there. I don't have any expectations though. A bed, access to a toilet/shower and a place to lock my stuff up is all I need.

Tao....

People keep asking me what the tattoo on my wrist means, and when I say Tao, they look a little baffled. Unfortunately, the most common place to be asked is in the pub, hence the answer usually doesn't make much sense. Hopefully this will make a little more

As long as I can remember I have had a core series of beliefs, morals and ethics that haven't changed much until now. I was raised a Christian, went to Church every Sunday in my youth, went to a Church of England school, the whole 9 yards, and a lot of it made sense, while other bits were completely contradictory. I realised when I was quite young that I had no faith - then in an assembly at school I learned that unfortunately the Bible teaches that no matter how good your life is, without faith you "cannot gain entry to heaven". It seemed that the Bible was telling us that we had to think the right thoughts rather than do the right deeds, and have relentless faith in Jesus as the son of God. From the age of 16 I never went to Church again, except for weddings and funerals.

From then until relatively recently, I have stuggled with my morals and reasons for my behaviour and attitude to life. I've always had an interest in philiosophy and religion, am aware of Buddhism, Hare Krishnaism, Hinduism, and am even fascinated with some "dead" faiths such as that of the Norsemen. Probably the closest tie I had was with that of Paganism, although the "mystic" rites and worship of Gods doesn't hold true to my perception of life. I wasn't prepared to adapt what I believed to match that of a faith - I suppose I was looking for a faith with a basis in what I believed. A philosophy that I was aware of but hadn't really looked in any great depth at was Taoism. I'd read the Tao Te Ching, but that was about the extent of my reading, and the talk of the "Heavens and the Earth" had been a little offputting, as was a lot of the other language within it. I found a different translation to the one I had originally read out there which was, I suppose, slightly more paletable. Intrigued by it I read it twice more, bought a copy, and started looking for other texts. The next book I stumbled across was Back to Beginnings by Huanchu Daoren. It's a short book of proverbs, but I suppose you might call it one of those life changing texts. It is I suppose a guide for life, but it just told me what I already knew. Quite often in life it's easy to react to a situation in a certain way even when you know that way is wrong. Back to Beginnings strips back the layers of learned negative behaviour and reminds you to behave with a core simplicity, love and non-judgement. Situations that would previously have thrown me into real anger I can now react to with empathy and understanding - I always knew the right way to react to these situations, but emotion often gets in the way.

Observe people with cool eyes, listen to their words with cool ears. Confront feelings with cool emotions, reflect on principles with a cool mind.

When Taoism was started and how it was formed is irrelevant here. If you're reading this and interested, checkout a wiki. There are many forms of philosophical and religious Taoism, and in many cases it is only relevant to the individual. Tao is a path, a way of thinking, a way of considering your actions and harmonization of yourself and the universe around you. By being aware, controlling your mood, emotions and thoughts you can have a positive effect on those around you. I suppose if you look at Tao in conjunction with an idea like Chaos Theory, you then get an amazing concept which makes you feel incredibly small, although every action you take has an impact on every living thing. Life is a bit like walking through a field of living things and trying not to stand on or hurt any of them....to start with it takes a lot of effort to walk so carefully, but as you go on, you get used to it.....

Tidying up....

Your own feelings may be reasonable or unreasonable; how can
you expect others to always be reasonable? It is useful to see
things in this light and thereby correct the contradictions in your
expectations for yourself and others.

Going out for dinner with Kate on the 16th. I really miss spending time with her, and I want to have to the opportunity to take her out for a really good night out before I go - it seems every time we've got together recently we've ended up discussing our relationships and not a lot else, or we've been at parties where we haven't had a chance to really talk. I don't know how all this will work out for her, and I really hope she's ok....

As for work - trying to get everything sorted before D-Day (17th Nov) is slightly challenging, but pretty confident I'll get through it. Got a couple of major projects ongoing that I need to keep tabs on and I've offered to monitor the network and pick up email from wherever I may be so that if there are any problems then at least I can try to resolve from remotely....to be quite honest it's going to be weird not waking up with a frantic list of jobs to get done....bonfire do at work tonight, so I'll be knocking off at 5 to go home, wrap up warm and pick up Ashi.